You know, there are some days, where I just cannot for the life of me imagine myself as being a good mother, or being able to handle the different things that come with motherhood.
I just get really stressed about it.
But then, there are some days where I have moments where I really start to believe "I can do this". But, not only that I CAN do this, but that I can be happy doing it. I think Heavenly Father sends me those moments and thoughts to reassure me that I actually CAN do it and be happy, even though it will be/is the hardest thing I do.
Michael got a cold about a week or so ago, and I thought I was going to get away without getting it, but... I've definitely got it. But, of course, because I'm pregnant, it's MUCH worse. Especially since I can't really take medicine. I mean, I can take SOME stuff, but nothing strong enough to even make a dent in how I feel. It's... wonderful. As a result, my nose hurts from tissues attacking it every two minutes, my head hurts more than I even imagined possible (even Michael's soft whispers from four feet away hurt my head), and the acid reflux/throwing up has come back again. Excellent. Yep, I'm pretty much feeling GREAT.
But, despite all of that, I've managed to stay pretty positive (i think/hope). Although, I AM SO SICK of pregnancy hormones. It's dreadful. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life... over things that would hardly even bother me before! It's ridiculous. I can't wait to be back to 'normal'
Anyway, Michael and I have started reading The Hunger Games series, since neither of us had read it before. Yesterday, when we went home for the day, we were about 30 pages into the second book. This morning when we woke up, we were about 30 pages from the end. I couldn't sleep last night (because of the cold/headache/other stuff... I couldn't even really lay down without having to vomit), so Michael stayed up and read to me until I finally fell asleep around 1. Poor guy :(
He's got to be exhausted. And I can't even imagine how his throat feels. I've got to make it up to him somehow...
But, from about 5-6 I had an interesting dream. I dreamed about Emmalynn. We were in the hospital and she was about 2 months old. I was in a room full of screaming babies that were being held by nurses trying to console them, and I knew one of them was Emmalynn. So, I frantically looked around for her, and finally I saw her - pretty blue eyes and golden blonde baby hair. As soon as I saw her I had no doubt it was her. The nurse handed her to me, and she stopped screaming. It was the first time I had ever held her (I don't know why...The alarm went off before I could figure it out). But, I woke up calmer than I ever had before in my life. I woke up knowing things would be okay, and that I would be able to soothe and take care of my little girl.
I know pregnant ladies have all sorts of dreams, but this one was different. It was like a message from her, or Heavenly Father, or SOMEONE. I don't know. It was just really reassuring because I've been freaking out the last two weeks or so. Any time I am left alone to my thoughts, I worry about how we will manage - about how I will manage and get really worked up about it and just find myself sobbing.
Despite being super sick, I've found I've been a lot more patient today. I mean, I'm pretty patient usually, but today I've been able to just relax a little bit and try to help my body feel better, rather than freak out about different things.
I'm not quite sure how to hang on to this feeling, but I've got to try. I feel so bad for Michael. I can't even imagine the roles being reversed. How would I handle him crying over the dumbest little things? But not just crying, sobbing - just a complete and total wreck. He's been so good about it though, and I just wish there was a way I could make sure it's not his fault I'm sad all the time...
Anyway, we move in less than Ten Days! (Conference Weekend)
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