I mean, I realize that every child is different and each has to learn things in different ways, but it's still been fun to see a little bit how things are run in a different household and see what I like and what I'd rather do a little differently. Don't get me wrong, Joe and Tina have great things going on in their home, there are just some things I'd do a little differently, and I'm sure Michael has his own ideas as well. Everyone does, don't they? Anyway, who knows what will actually end up happening in my home? I'll probably change my ideas/opinions as I go anyway, isn't that what is supposed to happen? You learn as you go? What I guess I'm really trying to say, is it's been fun to see what other people have done because it helps me get my mind going and helps me to start thinking about silly little things that I probably wouldn't have before the situation actually arose in my own family.
I guess in some ways, I can not WAIT to have this baby, but in others I am absolutely terrified. I just have to remember that God wants me to have this baby, at this time, right now in my life. Since being pregnant I've had to do a lot of praying in order to be okay with different things happening in my life right now. I was just in the process of switching career paths... and now, who even knows what will end up happening? I mean, I still intend to get my cosmetology license, but if we have twins or if we have a child that has some sort of special needs, I doubt I'll be able to. I'm just really anxious about what is going to happen to me in my life. Am I really going to be a stay at home all day, house cleaning, mom at age 20? It's not exactly what I had planned... Heck, a year ago, there is NO WAY I would have THOUGHT it was POSSIBLE to even by married by now... much less carrying our first child. Things have just happened so fast it's scary. And so much of it was not in my plans, but I guess God really does have his own plans for us. As I said, since being pregnant I've done a lot of praying (like 10 times as much!) and I've just started to stop complaining to God about everything. Well, complaining isn't necessarily the right word, it's more like worrying... but each time I worry about something, something happens in my life that reassures me that things really will be okay and that this wasn't just some mistake - it really was meant to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared as heck and nervous about having a precious life in MY hands. A life that cannot have a chance without ME there to take care of it. I'm going to be a mom. And I guess the past few days it's really stated to settle in. I'm not sure if it's being back in Utah that's done it, or having to help Joseph and Samuel everyday. I've just been thinking a lot about everything and it's all really starting to sink in.
It's just all going to be so hard with Michael in school. In so many ways I'm just scared I'll feel like a single mom... especially when Michael goes to Med School. How am I supposed to help pay for his tuition (as much as possible) and raise a family? Before, I thought we really could do it, and now, I'm just scared. I know Michael is smart enough, and I know he's dedicated enough and committed enough, but am I strong enough?
Anyway, mom gave me the book "Lighten Up" for Christmas and basically made me promise to read it. So, I picked it up today and started reading it while Samuel was napping (instead of taking a nap myself... kind of a mistake, but I don't know when else I'll have time to read!) and read the first 7 chapters. It's pretty good. I mostly like the stories in it. I've always liked books with spiritual stories in them. Just story after story, but this one is little different because the stories are more embedded within the text. I can't help but think part of the time how she uses different writing skills in her book... (is that absolutely disgusting or what?). I hated english classes when I had to take them, but now I'm stuck thinking about them? YUCK. It's a well written book, but there are some typos... more than other books I've read... so it kind of gets annoying... but not too much. Anyway, I've kinda meandered in topic. What I was going to say, is it's a good book for the most part. It's not really my type of book, but it is uplifting and there are some really good things said. I'd recommend it to other LDS women for sure, and Michael will be reading it whenever he gets a change (maybe over the summer?). It's a good book for anyone to read really, but it's definitely geared toward an LDS audience (women in particular, but would be good for men too). There are just a lot of things said in there that aren't really said other places, but need to be. Both to women and to men.
Anyway...I've got to go check on Samuel and make sure he's still alright napping, and I should probably get Joseph off of the wii... I let him play when he got home from school because Samuel was trying to nap and it was the only quieter thing he wanted to do.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, here you go Michelle!
So, that is an absolutely terrible picture of me, and pretty terrible quality (my phone isn't super high tech or anything...), don't you think I should have napped today? And to think, I got 10 hours of sleep last night... Oh well, at least it's Friday, which means tomorrow is SATURDAY! Anyway, the angle isn't super good, and my shirt isn't super tight or anything, but as you can see, I'm looking quite... well, I feel quite FAT. I feel huge and disgusting. I think this is the biggest I've been my whole life.
This was taken today, so to my knowledge thus far I am 12 weeks and about 5 days pregnant, but I'll find out for sure next Wednesday! Speaking of... I've got to go get some blood work done tomorrow... and set up my next actual doctors appointment... woot!
Anyway, I really should be going! buh bye!
Reading your posts with the pictures of your pregnancy (specifically the one you put after this one that shows up before this one), you are soooo much like me with body issues and pregnancy growth!!!!! (Just as far as obsession with it) So uhhh not sure what to say about that other than, we are alike in our crazy insane obsessions with getting bigger while we are pregnant and feeling super fat even though we are just ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you look huge or awful, but since I know that we seem to "think" alike in that area, I know that you will feel that way your whole pregnancy probably. One thing I do is get very specific with the angle and way I pose myself in my pictures and make Jeff take a million until I feel a tiny bit better with myself hahahaha. Jeff "loves" it. And I just try to avoid a mirror and looking at myself in general when I am pregnant, but I still obsess about it and take my belly grow pictures. But really, you are super cute and I can't wait to hear how your appointment goes. Thanks for the "special gift" so I can watch your cute little belly grow!
Also (yes, this is becoming a blog post in itself) you do have a lot to deal with and fast, but I think you are right in that it is meant to be and God won't give us anything to deal with without also helping us along and making us stronger. That doesn't mean it won't be hard, but you will be able to do it! I need to remember that myself actually, but for different reasons! It's a shame we don't live closer together - our little babies could be friends and we could chat! :) My life was so different than yours at 20, but we all have different things to deal with. Like I didn't even have boys that liked me and thought I would be single for-EVER!!! haha ;) But really, all of the things we go through make us who we are and I've found that as I look back on my life, the various experiences I have had end up building me up or teaching me in ways that I needed to learn for experiences down the road (if that makes sense). It's late here and I'm SUPER tired so my words make no sense.
Also, here is a great talk (maybe you remember it) from conference that I really liked. I remember when I heard it I kept thinking, "But I didn't have a choice in this!!!" and you can probably relate, but it still helped me and there is even a story about a couple whose husband is going to med school! Anyway, just be prayerful and you and Michael will make the right choices for your little family. Goodness, I haven't even met HIM and you are going to have a little family by the time we see you next!!!!
Oh, here is the talk: http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/children?lang=eng
Lastly, enjoy the sleep while you can! 10 hours!!!! I'd kill for that! hahahaha ok, maybe not really ;)
Love ya!
Sorry so long!