The last little while has been so hard! After Christmas I've had such a rough time getting back to school and in the groove of things. Being home with Emma over break was just too special and too much fun. I just don't want to go back. I don't want to miss any more of her life. I hate putting her in a daycare. I'm just not sure I can do it anymore.
I feel like a terrible mom every time I leave Emma in the daycare. She's always sick! If i take off a few days she'll get better but then the day i go back she has a nasty cold again. I hate the thought of missing the first time she crawls or takes a step because she's in there and I'm not around. I know she won't remember that I wasn't there, but I always will. And I'm just not sure I can be that mom. I already have regrets because I haven't been around.
I know 24 hrs a week plus one or two at BYU and any extra hours I put in at cosmetology school doesn't sound like a ton when you think about how much time is actually in a week, but it really is. Especially when I am too tired when I'm finally done with school for the day, to actually do anything with Emma or Michael. Or anything around the house. They both deserve more than that. They deserve more than coming home to spend time with a grumpy, tired, and unsatisfied mother and wife. They deserve to have a mom and wife that has time to do laundry or clean or cook. I just feel like I am failing in so many different ways. It breaks my heart.
The other day I made homemade laundry soap. It was the most fun I've had learning something new in a long time. What does that say about my life? Either that it's really boring or I'm really lame. I'm really lame, but my life is anything but boring. I don't think I've ever been so busy, so stressed in my entire life. Recently I've been way more excited learning about things that relate to my family than ''scholarly'' things.
Don't get me wrong, I love cosmetology and BYU still, its just not worth all the time away from my little family. It's not worth the stress. I'd love to finish, but I just don't feel like I'm living up to my potential. I want to be a great mom, I want to be a better wife, and I want to be a better friend, that actually has time for people and time to serve. Is that really so wrong?
The world tells me I need an education. I've always been told I need an education. I know its important, but isn't being a mom an education too? There is so much I can and will learn.
I'm so tired. I'm worn out and beat up. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'd hate to just be a quitter, especially since I still like what I'm learning. But I LOVE my family. And I love being a mom. I've never dreamed of the day where I would find joy in making laundry soap, or cleaning or cooking or just being a homemaker, but alas that day has come anyway. When did this happen?
I'm so torn. And so stressed. My heart is breaking because I feel so trapped. I feel like a failure either way I choose. One way I feel like I fail my sweet baby, my wonderful husband who never complains, and myself. The other way I feel like I fail my parents, myself, and the world.
I'm so afraid I'll make the wrong choice.
I have so many thoughts on this. So many.
ReplyDeleteI went back to work after I had Nathan. I loved it and hated it. I hemmed and hawed and thought about what to do for ages. I think I even wrote some blog posts about it all. I can't find them all right now, but here is one for example: http://www.mishi-and-jeff.blogspot.co.uk/2009/03/two-face.html
Obviously, you know what choice I ended up making.
But I will say that if I could give you any advice, it wouldn't actually be related to my situation at all. It wouldn't be related to whether or not I, personally, feel more or less fulfilled at work or home or if I am happier trying to make dinners and homemade laundry soap as you call it. The truth is, there are pros and cons to each choice we make.
Sorry, that was getting long, so I posted it.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, if I could give you any advice, it would be to pray like crazy. Logic and feelings will only get you so far. I'm currently going through something extremely difficult in my life that is bringing me closer to Christ in a good way. It's making me realize how often I made big choices (and especially little choices) leaning on my own understanding and how much better things are if I let God direct my path. Not only are things better, but when times get rough, I can feel more confident that I am where I need to be.
I wish I could give you all of my thoughts in the matter by just morphing them into your head, but life doesn't work that way. Life is an education. The best way of really learning things is experience.
Anyway, now I am really rambling (not a surprise) haha.
So anyway, my advice is to nurture your relationship with Christ. Strive to be close to the Spirit. Pray, read your scriptures, ponder, make quiet time for yourself (hard to do, trust me I KNOW). And then pray like crazy, focusing on this choice ahead of you. Certainly weigh the pros and cons in your mind, but also know that you don't know the future, you don't know what unexpected circumstances will arise in your life or marriage. But God does. He is in control of so many things. He will guide you and he will help open doors for you to accomplish the things that He asks.
So many people will have opinions - even good meaning people like parents, siblings, family members, or friends. But in my mind, there is only ONE opinion that really matters. Just ONE. And that's God's.
Sorry if that is all preachy. It's just very HEAVY on my mind these days. Not in relation to work or not, but other things :) Life is crazy, but good, isn't it?! :)
ReplyDeletePray! Maybe now is not the time for getting a career but if you already payed and will loss the $ maybe you can get someone to watch her in their home and see if there is a way to finish sooner or switch to a program that is faster. Heavenly Father loves you and we each are different it is a personal decision between you and the Lord, your husband and assessing what you daughter needs now. If you are able to put school on hold but stay in the program six months to a year could make a huge difference!
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