Tuesday

Today I'm thankful for my sweet husband who does so much to help me everyday.

I'm going to blog every day.

My new goal is to blog daily even if all it says is one thing I'm thankful for. Today, I am thankful n that Emma slept 2.5 hours for a nap.
Michael and I went out to olive garden today to celebrate his birthday this past Saturday. It was good, but our waiter was dreadful.

I'm also going to listen to one church talk every day. Why shouldn't I when they are so readily available to me on the LDS podcasts app?

Pictures from tablet again

Truth be told

The last little while has been so hard! After Christmas I've had such a rough time getting back to school and in the groove of things. Being home with Emma over break was just too special and too much fun. I just don't want to go back. I don't want to miss any more of her life. I hate putting her in a daycare. I'm just not sure I can do it anymore.

I feel like a terrible mom every time I leave Emma in the daycare. She's always sick! If i take off a few days she'll get better but then the day i go back she has a nasty cold again. I hate the thought of missing the first time she crawls or takes a step because she's in there and I'm not around. I know she won't remember that I wasn't there, but I always will. And I'm just not sure I can be that mom. I already have regrets because I haven't been around.

I know 24 hrs a week plus one or two at BYU and any extra hours I put in at cosmetology school doesn't sound like a ton when you think about how much time is actually in a week, but it really is. Especially when I am too tired when I'm finally done with school for the day, to actually do anything with Emma or Michael. Or anything around the house. They both deserve more than that. They deserve more than coming home to spend time with a grumpy, tired, and unsatisfied mother and wife. They deserve to have a mom and wife that has time to do laundry or clean or cook. I just feel like I am failing in so many different ways. It breaks my heart.

The other day I made homemade laundry soap. It was the most fun I've had learning something new in a long time. What does that say about my life? Either that it's really boring or I'm really lame. I'm really lame, but my life is anything but boring. I don't think I've ever been so busy, so stressed in my entire life. Recently I've been way more excited learning about things that relate to my family than ''scholarly'' things.

Don't get me wrong, I love cosmetology and BYU still, its just not worth all the time away from my little family. It's not worth the stress.  I'd love to finish, but I just don't feel like I'm living up to my potential. I want to be a great mom, I want to be a better wife, and I want to be a better friend, that actually has time for people and time to serve. Is that really so wrong?

The world tells me I need an education. I've always been told I need an education. I know its important, but isn't being a mom an education too?  There is so much I can and will learn. 

I'm so tired. I'm worn out and beat up. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'd hate to just be a quitter, especially since I still like what I'm learning. But I LOVE my family. And I love being a mom. I've never dreamed of the day where I would find joy in making laundry soap, or cleaning or cooking or just being a homemaker, but alas that day has come anyway.  When did this happen?

I'm so torn. And so stressed. My heart is breaking because I feel so trapped. I feel like a failure either way I choose. One way I feel like I fail my sweet baby, my wonderful husband who never complains, and myself. The other way I feel like I fail my parents, myself, and the world.

I'm so afraid I'll make the wrong choice.

Pictures i have on my tablet. I'll post better pictures from the camera later

Emma is tall.

Well little emmalynn is a long baby. She's almost outgrown her car seat because of height but isn't even close to the weight limitation. She is 28 inches long as of her 6 month ago p appointment on Monday. That puts her in the 97 th percentile.... At her 4 month she was in the 96 th. However she is only in the 24 th percentile for weight. She is definitely a Evanson baby. Michael was tall and super skinny growing up. The doctor isn't worried about her weight, but said if it drops below 24 th percentile they will start to watch her more closely. She's 14 lbs 15 oz. She's a tall little thing. :-)

Been a while!

Happy new year everyone!
Well emma is six months old! Crazy! She is such a cutie and so silly already. She's got the funniest little personality end is so so stubborn! I think she's going to be a lot like her dad in a lot of ways. She is so smart and logical and gets quite frustrated when she can't quite do something yet because she thinks she should be able to.
She sat up for the first time by herself for more than a minute on Christmas and since then she has gotten really quite good at it. No crawling yet. She doesn't seem to want to, but she does want to be held while you walk around. She also loves sitting in her bumbo. Oh and we got her a jumperoo for Christmas and she absolutely loves it. It didn't take her long at all to figure out what to do.

Our Christmas was really good. We all got what we wanted and we were able to spend time together. We are all sad the break is over. Michael worked quite a bit during vacation though since we just stayed in Provo area. We got to look at some houses though! So that was fun.

Emma is a joy, but definitely keeps me busy and tired. She stopped sleeping through the night and I'm not sure what to do about it. It's just getting worse.

Anyway hope all is well!

The Evansons